The Gentle Grafter Page 8

  SHEARING THE WOLF

  Jeff Peters was always eloquent when the ethics of his profession wasunder discussion.

  "The only times," said he, "that me and Andy Tucker ever had anyhiatuses in our cordial intents was when we differed on the moralaspects of grafting. Andy had his standards and I had mine. I didn'tapprove of all of Andy's schemes for levying contributions from thepublic, and he thought I allowed my conscience to interfere too oftenfor the financial good of the firm. We had high arguments sometimes.One word led on to another till he said I reminded him of Rockefeller.

  "'I don't know how you mean that, Andy,' says I, 'but we have beenfriends too long for me to take offense at a taunt that you willregret when you cool off. I have yet,' says I, 'to shake hands witha subpoena server.'

  "One summer me and Andy decided to rest up a spell in a fine littletown in the mountains of Kentucky called Grassdale. We was supposed tobe horse drovers, and good decent citizens besides, taking a summervacation. The Grassdale people liked us, and me and Andy declared acessation of hostilities, never so much as floating the fly leaf of arubber concession prospectus or flashing a Brazilian diamond while wewas there.

  "One day the leading hardware merchant of Grassdale drops around tothe hotel where me and Andy stopped, and smokes with us, sociable, onthe side porch. We knew him pretty well from pitching quoits in theafternoons in the court house yard. He was a loud, red man, breathinghard, but fat and respectable beyond all reason.

  "Pitching quoits in the afternoon in the court houseyard."]

  "After we talk on all the notorious themes of the day, this Murkison--for such was his entitlements--takes a letter out of his coat pocketin a careful, careless way and hands it to us to read.

  "'Now, what do you think of that?' says he, laughing--'a letter likethat to ME!'

  "Me and Andy sees at a glance what it is; but we pretend to read itthrough. It was one of them old time typewritten green goods lettersexplaining how for $1,000 you could get $5,000 in bills that an expertcouldn't tell from the genuine; and going on to tell how they weremade from plates stolen by an employee of the Treasury at Washington.

  "'Think of 'em sending a letter like that to ME!' says Murkison again.

  "'Think of 'em sending a letter like that to ME!'"]

  "'Lot's of good men get 'em,' says Andy. 'If you don't answer thefirst letter they let you drop. If you answer it they write againasking you to come on with your money and do business.'

  "'But think of 'em writing to ME!' says Murkison.

  "A few days later he drops around again.

  "'Boys,' says he, 'I know you are all right or I wouldn't confide inyou. I wrote to them rascals again just for fun. They answered andtold me to come on to Chicago. They said telegraph to J. Smith when Iwould start. When I get there I'm to wait on a certain street cornertill a man in a gray suit comes along and drops a newspaper in frontof me. Then I am to ask him how the water is, and he knows it's me andI know it's him.'

  "'Ah, yes,' says Andy, gaping, 'it's the same old game. I've oftenread about it in the papers. Then he conducts you to the privateabattoir in the hotel, where Mr. Jones is already waiting. They showyou brand new real money and sell you all you want at five for one.You see 'em put it in a satchel for you and know it's there. Of courseit's brown paper when you come to look at it afterward.'

  "'Of course, it's brown paper.'"]

  "'Oh, they couldn't switch it on me,' says Murkison. 'I haven't builtup the best paying business in Grassdale without having witticismsabout me. You say it's real money they show you, Mr. Tucker?'

  "'I've always--I see by the papers that it always is,' says Andy.

  "'Boys,' says Murkison, 'I've got it in my mind that them fellowscan't fool me. I think I'll put a couple of thousand in my jeans andgo up there and put it all over 'em. If Bill Murkison gets his eyesonce on them bills they show him he'll never take 'em off of 'em. Theyoffer $5 for $1, and they'll have to stick to the bargain if I tackle'em. That's the kind of trader Bill Murkison is. Yes, I jist believeI'll drop up Chicago way and take a 5 to 1 shot on J. Smith. I guessthe water'll be fine enough.'

  "Me and Andy tries to get this financial misquotation out ofMurkison's head, but we might as well have tried to keep the man whorolls peanuts with a toothpick from betting on Bryan's election. No,sir; he was going to perform a public duty by catching these greengoods swindlers at their own game. Maybe it would teach 'em a lesson.

  "After Murkison left us me and Andy sat a while prepondering over oursilent meditations and heresies of reason. In our idle hours we alwaysimproved our higher selves by ratiocination and mental thought.

  "'Jeff,' says Andy after a long time, 'quite unseldom I have seen fitto impugn your molars when you have been chewing the rag with me aboutyour conscientious way of doing business. I may have been often wrong.But here is a case where I think we can agree. I feel that it would bewrong for us to allow Mr. Murkison to go alone to meet those Chicagogreen goods men. There is but one way it can end. Don't you think wewould both feel better if we was to intervene in some way and preventthe doing of this deed?'

  "I got up and shook Andy Tucker's hand hard and long.

  "'Andy,' says I, 'I may have had one or two hard thoughts about theheartlessness of your corporation, but I retract 'em now. You have akind nucleus at the interior of your exterior after all. It does youcredit. I was just thinking the same thing that you have expressed.It would not be honorable or praiseworthy,' says I, 'for us to letMurkison go on with this project he has taken up. If he is determinedto go let us go with him and prevent this swindle from coming off.'

  "Andy agreed with me; and I was glad to see that he was in earnestabout breaking up this green goods scheme.

  "'I don't call myself a religious man,' says I, 'or a fanatic inmoral bigotry, but I can't stand still and see a man who has builtup his business by his own efforts and brains and risk be robbed byan unscrupulous trickster who is a menace to the public good.'

  "'Right, Jeff,' says Andy. 'We'll stick right along with Murkison ifhe insists on going and block this funny business. I'd hate to see anymoney dropped in it as bad as you would.'

  "Well, we went to see Murkison.

  "'No, boys,' says he. 'I can't consent to let the song of this Chicagosiren waft by me on the summer breeze. I'll fry some fat out of thisignis fatuus or burn a hole in the skillet. But I'd be plumb divertedto death to have you all go along with me. Maybe you could help somewhen it comes to cashing in the ticket to that 5 to 1 shot. Yes, I'dreally take it as a pastime and regalement if you boys would go alongtoo.'

  "Murkison gives it out in Grassdale that he is going for a few dayswith Mr. Peters and Mr. Tucker to look over some iron ore property inWest Virginia. He wires J. Smith that he will set foot in the spiderweb on a given date; and the three of us lights out for Chicago.

  "On the way Murkison amuses himself with premonitions and advancepleasant recollections.

  "'In a gray suit,' says he, 'on the southwest corner of Wabash avenueand Lake street. He drops the paper, and I ask how the water is. Oh,my, my, my!' And then he laughs all over for five minutes.

  "Sometimes Murkison was serious and tried to talk himself out of hiscogitations, whatever they was.

  "'Boys,' says he, 'I wouldn't have this to get out in Grassdale forten times a thousand dollars. It would ruin me there. But I know youall are all right. I think it's the duty of every citizen,' says he,'to try to do up these robbers that prey upon the public. I'll show'em whether the water's fine. Five dollars for one--that's what J.Smith offers, and he'll have to keep his contract if he does businesswith Bill Murkison.'

  "We got into Chicago about 7 P.M. Murkison was to meet the gray man athalf past 9. We had dinner at a hotel and then went up to Murkison'sroom to wait for the time to come.

  "'Now, boys,' says Murkison, 'let's get our gumption together andinoculate a plan for defeating the enemy. Suppose while I'm exchangingairy bandage with the gray capper you gents come along, by accident,you know, and hol
ler: "Hello, Murk!" and shake hands with symptoms ofsurprise and familiarity. Then I take the capper aside and tell himyou all are Jenkins and Brown of Grassdale, groceries and feed, goodmen and maybe willing to take a chance while away from home.'

  "'"Bring 'em along," he'll say, of course, "if they care to invest."Now, how does that scheme strike you?'

  "'What do you say, Jeff?' says Andy, looking at me.

  "'Why, I'll tell you what I say,' says I. 'I say let's settle thisthing right here now. I don't see any use of wasting any more time.' Itook a nickel-plated .38 out of my pocket and clicked the cylinderaround a few times.

  "'You undevout, sinful, insidious hog,' says I to Murkison, 'get outthat two thousand and lay it on the table. Obey with velocity,' saysI, 'for otherwise alternatives are impending. I am preferably a man ofmildness, but now and then I find myself in the middle of extremities.Such men as you,' I went on after he had laid the money out, 'is whatkeeps the jails and court houses going. You come up here to rob thesemen of their money. Does it excuse you?' I asks, 'that they weretrying to skin you? No, sir; you was going to rob Peter to stand offPaul. You are ten times worse,' says I, 'than that green goods man.You go to church at home and pretend to be a decent citizen, butyou'll come to Chicago and commit larceny from men that have builtup a sound and profitable business by dealing with such contemptiblescoundrels as you have tried to be to-day. How do you know,' says I,'that that green goods man hasn't a large family dependent upon hisextortions? It's you supposedly respectable citizens who are alwayson the lookout to get something for nothing,' says I, 'that supportthe lotteries and wild-cat mines and stock exchanges and wire tappersof this country. If it wasn't for you they'd go out of business.The green goods man you was going to rob,' says I, 'studied maybefor years to learn his trade. Every turn he makes he risks his moneyand liberty and maybe his life. You come up here all sanctified andvanoplied with respectability and a pleasing post office address toswindle him. If he gets the money you can squeal to the police. Ifyou get it he hocks the gray suit to buy supper and says nothing. Mr.Tucker and me sized you up,' says I, 'and came along to see that yougot what you deserved. Hand over the money,' says I, 'you grass fedhypocrite.'

  "I put the two thousand, which was all in $20 bills, in my insidepocket.

  "'Now get out your watch,' says I to Murkison. 'No, I don't wantit,' says I. 'Lay it on the table and you sit in that chair till itticks off an hour. Then you can go. If you make any noise or leaveany sooner we'll handbill you all over Grassdale. I guess your highposition there is worth more than $2,000 to you.'

  "Then me and Andy left.

  "On the train Andy was a long time silent. Then he says: 'Jeff, do youmind my asking you a question?'

  "'Two,' says I, 'or forty.'

  "'Was that the idea you had,' says he, 'when we started out withMurkison?'

  "'Why, certainly,' says I. 'What else could it have been? Wasn't ityours, too?'

  "In about half an hour Andy spoke again. I think there are times whenAndy don't exactly understand my system of ethics and moral hygiene.

  "'Jeff,' says he, 'some time when you have the leisure I wish you'ddraw off a diagram and foot-notes of that conscience of yours. I'dlike to have it to refer to occasionally.'"